Central to the Democrats’ decade of disaster is their string of Tickets To Nowhere. Why can’t these people pick a vice president? Where did the Democratic Party’s crack staff of highly paid political geniuses come up with Walter Mondale, Geraldine Ferraro and Lloyd Bentsen? Catch a Falling Star? Or were they the result of a horrible accident in the basement laboratory of some liberal think tank? The Politburo could do better.
Here’s how the Democrats could get back in the game. First, they have to abandon their 19th-century ideas about the vice president providing regional balance. For God’s sake, people, it’s 1991-there are no regions, only locations: a Louisiana bayou for “Today,” the Rockies for “Live at Five,” the Big Apple for “Nightline.” Second, as that great political scientist Gypsy Rose Lee observed, “Ya gotta have a gimmick.” For the Democrats, that means someone with proven entertainment value for vice president, because it doesn’t matter what the nominee says if no one’s watching. While the cast of characters the Democrats have galumphing around now couldn’t hold its own against “Mr. Ed” reruns, the ratings would zoom if they teamed up, say:
The problem with the various Mario scenarios was that no one ever explained who was going to run the country while Cuomo sat in the Oval Office playing Hamlet. Mario can talk about the moon and the stars and “The Family of Man,” and Eddie can just say, “Get the f– out of here” and go whip the Senate into shape. Murphy has a crucial quality for a modern politician-he makes disaster entertaining. Faced with poverty, pollution and fiscal collapse, Murphy will respond with comedy instead of piety. Who better to get the country pulling together than a black vice president who’s made a hundred million bucks by bringing blacks and whites into theaters to watch him stand racism on its head in 70 mm and Dolby sound?
Jesse’s too hot for television and Gorby’s about to be out in the cold. True, Jesse’s way to the left of the American mainstream, but Gorby pulls him back to center. Gorbachev not only has great approval ratings, he’s actually run a country. Gorby would feel right at home in the Jackson White House: he’s been dealing with left-wing hard-liners for years. And he’s a hard worker-why, I’ll bet he won’t take another summer vacation for the rest of his life.
A man with no personality and a woman with 17. No one disputes Bradley’s intelligence, seriousness or high moral purpose. No one, that is, who manages to stay awake through one of his speeches. Sybil is the ultimate Democrat-she’s got a separate personality for each interest group. The others can talk about children. Sybil can be a child-who would you vote for?
McGovern is going to have to come back from the dead just to get into the Iowa caucus, and Elvis does it at least once a week, according to the supermarket tabloids. Elvis is eminently qualified: he’s been the King since 1956. The biggest plus is that he could do for politics what he did for music: make it exciting to the 60 percent of the population which now doesn’t bother to vote. Would Elvis fit in at the White House? We’ve had a has-been actor-why not a long-dead singer?
Trekkies are Brown’s natural core constituency, and Spock is used to playing second banana to a high-flying happy space bachelor. Running with anyone else, Governor Moonbeam sounds like he’s from another planet; teamed with a Vulcan, he might pass for an Earthling. What will Mr. Spock think of the way Americans choose a president? “Fascinating-but completely illogical.”
Moyers appeals to both public-TV suburbanites and down-home Southern Baptists–quiche and grits on the same plate. What if there’s another coup, and this time Soviet Army hard-liners grab a few SS-20s and threaten the United States with nuclear blackmail? What’s Moyers going to do-interview them? Billy needs someone who commands more than just intellectual respect, and whatever else you can say about Don John, he gets respect. Plus, he believes in family values and the Bill of Rights-especially the parts that deal with wiretapping. And he’s built a business. I’ll bet he could come up with all kinds of money-making ideas for the federal government.
Now, that’s exciting television.
So, you Democratic movers and shakers, what’s it going to be? Are you ready for prime time, or will you settle for another four years on National Public Radio? The choice is yours. If you want to hang your hats at the White House, just remember what the poet said: “Politics is television; television, politics. That is all ye know inside the Beltway, and all ye need to know.”
